♕ 003 spam/private

[broughtwhiskey]

spam.

[Philip comes out of his room only when strictly necessary. But lately, he's having to spend more time right outside his door when he does emerge. It seems like every time he opens his door again, there Christmas decorations on nearby doors and around the hallway have somehow managed to reproduce themselves and spill over onto his door. Each time, he takes the time to take it off. Everything finds its way to the floor, crumpled up and certainly worse for wear before he moves it aside with a foot. He'd like to think after the first time whoever is decorating his door would get the hint, but here he is once again having to take down decorations.]

[Once his door is clear again, Philip heads to the cafeteria to eat. He prefers sitting by himself. Anyone who sits at his table generally just gets a brief glance in their direction before he goes back to finishing his meal. Some of it leaves with him, particularly anything nonperishable. It saves him from having to be around people much, but it also let's him start a stockpile. Paranoia and old habits die incredibly hard.]

[Other times, Philip can be found in the library--usually there just long enough to pick something and then he's off--or in the hallways as he's making his way back to his cabin.]

private - admiral claus.

[Add yet another thing to the list of things he doesn't want to do and yet he finds himself doing anyway. He keeps it short and to the point.]

Clementine - Leatherman multi-tool.
Roderick - A copy of How to Win Friends & Influence People.
Arkin - Something to branch into a new hobby.
T'Pol - A sense of humor.

Comments

[broughtwhiskey]

So, you have a mind of your own.

[This is said derisively, of course.]

[Philip doesn't believe it's a bad thing for her to have a mind of her own if she does, but it's that if that causes the problem. People think they have minds of their own right up until the point in which it's convenient to not. It's easier to push that responsibility into the hands of someone else instead of accepting it as their own. It's easier to blame someone else for when things go wrong or when things get ugly.]

[Not that he doesn't understand the impulse. But he's been on the receiving end of the blame, of the responsibility enough times that he resents it.]

[He doesn't bother with explaining any of this to Abigail, however. If she takes it another way, if it hurts her feelings, it's no skin off his back.]

[versusnurture]

[She shrugs, not bothered by the tone. She's heard worse. She knew Freddie Lounds. She knew Will. Both of them with their incisive wit and incredible bitterness, they could take Philip for all of his money.]

Sometimes. Nobody does all of the time. If they think they do, they're lying to themselves or to everyone else. Or both.

People naturally gravitate towards leaders. I'm not a leader. Are you?

[broughtwhiskey]

[His answer comes at the end of a short, but weary sigh,] No.

[It's a duplicitous answer. It's soft when coming at the end of a breath, but beneath there lies a sharp edge to it. There is an anger inside of Philip at all times, roiling just beneath the surface. When questions like this are asked, it's difficult for some of it to not slip past his guard.]

[It's doubtful if things had gone very differently, if the ones that mattered the most to him had survived, he would have given her a different answer. Very few leaders would ever claim to be leaders. Whether it is by another person's design or there is a need, something makes them become leaders. It's not a choice anyone really makes willingly. It's always placed upon them and his circumstances were no different. Penny needed him. The people of Woodbury needed him. Meghan, Lilly, and Tara needed him. If Martinez had't been so weak, if Rick had't been such a danger, if Michonne hadn't--]

[He cuts his thoughts off there, not wanting to dwell in the past or pondering what might have been.]

[He answered her question. He's not a leader. (He doesn't want to be a leader.) That's all there is to it.]

[versusnurture]

[She catches the edge of that anger like light reflecting off a car windshield, sees it and turns towards it, responding to it with curiosity. Her father was never very angry. Neither was Hannibal. They did not have volatile tempers, but were highly controlled, quiet men. She has never directly confronted an anger like what she senses is boiling under Philip's skin.]

[It makes her curious. She wants to figure out how it works, how to handle it, how to turn it on and off. Because surely even anger is a tool that can be used to one's best advantage. A tool like any other.]

[She gives him a soft smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes, that says she doesn't totally believe him; then she turns back to pulling down decorations.]

Well, we'll see. This place turns people into all kinds of things they don't expect.

[broughtwhiskey]

[There's an intensity with which she looks at him. Although Philip can't really place his finger on it, he can feel it. There's some part of him that feels immediately trapped and caged in. There is a line that is dangerously close to being crossed or perhaps it already has been. A line that should never be crossed ever again.]

[She says this place can turn people into things they don't expect. Well, he's already been through that once. He thought for a time that there was a chance he could walk away from it, never go down that path again, but it was too late. He was already changed irrevocably in all the ways that would classify him as undeserving of the mercy Lilly gave him in his final moments on Earth. He doesn't think this place, or any other place, has any chance in hell of changing him for good or for ill.]

[But there is a danger of more than just that anger rising. There is the chance that all that he secretly fears and hates about himself will rise to the surface and take hold before he can control it. Where there are people, that danger will always be and even more so with people like her who look at him like that.]

[He doesn't trust her smile any more than he trusts himself.]

[Philip says nothing, only stops pulling down decorations and takes a step away. He pauses for a moment. Just a moment. Just long enough to say,] I have to go.

[He has to. He has nowhere to go, but he has to. Philip walks away.]